A Matt Night

The holiday season is the time when you miss people the most. So I suppose it comes as no surprise that I've had a few bad days lately. Tonight's a Matt night. If he hadn't died in 2003, he'd be turning 27 in a couple of weeks and tonight I've found myself wondering what he'd be up to now. Something ornery, no doubt.

It's been really hard for me to adjust to a life without Matt. The first clear memory I have was bringing him home from the hospital and, with the possible exception of Mike, he was the best friend I ever had.

I don't wish him back from Heaven to suffer on this earth...but sometimes I pine for him.

In Memory of You
by Kristi A Dyer

I find an old photograph
and see your smile.
As I feel your presence anew,
I am filled with warmth
and my heart remembers love.

I read an old card
sent many years ago
during a time of turmoil and confusion.
The soothing words written then
still caress my spirit
and bring me peace.

I remember who you used to be
the laughter we shared
and wonder what you have become.
Where are you now,
Where did you go,
When the body is left behind
and the spirit is released to fly?

Perhaps you are the morning bird
singing joyfully at sunrise,
or the butterfly that dances
so carelessly on the breeze
or the rainbow of colors
that brightens a stormy sky
or the fingers of afternoon mist
delicately reaching over the mountains
or the final few rays of the setting sun
lighting up the skies
edging the clouds with a magical glow.

I miss your being
but I feel your presence,
In whatever form you choose to take,
however you now choose to be.

Your spirit has become for me
a guardian angel on high
guiding, advising, and watching over me.

I remember you.
You are with me
and I am not afraid.

Sometimes I watch COPS because in my head I can hear him making sarcastic comments - and for that half an hour, it's as if he's sitting next to me and we're watching together like we did before he died. Nobody can ever make me laugh like he used to.

Someone once asked me if losing Matt had made me question my faith in God and I said that it didn't. The night he died, I had a heart to heart with God. For the entire three weeks he'd been in the hospital, I'd prayed for God to make him better and to not let him die. Then my mom called and said that his kidneys had shut down and that they weren't sure he would make it. When I hung up, I said, "God...if You are going to take him...if this is Your will, I promise that I won't question it...just please take him now. Please don't let him suffer any more." Within an hour, he was gone.

To Matt - If Heaven has internet and you can read this...I love you and I miss you very much. Give Mom a kiss for me. And until I see you guys - for Heaven's sake, behave! :D