Waiting for Someday

So my cousin Sara made me cry today. Ok, not really. I'm sick today, so I've been feeling like I could cry since about 5:00 this morning when I woke up sick. Mike made me some plain biscuits to munch on before the boys left for Six Flags and as much as I've been looking forward to them leaving and having a day with the house to myself, I was bummed out because I'm sick and there was nobody around to keep me company! I know...I'm an mystery. Then I saw this on Sara's blog about her sweet little boy feeling bad when his Grandma (my Aunt Linda) left to go back to Iowa.

"I bent down to my sweet son & hugged him & told him that we would see them "someday soon" and through his tears he said, "someday isn't right now"..."

And I finally gave into the sniffles a little bit. I went back to the couch to watch tv while I sniffled a bit more. And then Furio came and laid down on my lap. Silly cat. I really bawled then. That cat hates to be held and he's only laid down on my lap (voluntarily) one other time in the entire time we've had him. That was when Mike and I were gone for two weeks getting married and going on our honeymoon. The night we got back, he was so happy to see us that he actually crawled up on my lap and went to sleep. I think he was afraid that we'd take off again if he didn't keep tabs on us because he kept us under close survaillance for about a week after that. I don't know if he wanted a treat or if I looked like I needed a kitty hug or what.

It's been really nice having Caleb here but it's been kind of hard, too. He asks things like, "Do you think Grandma misses us?" and "Do you think Grandma found Krammer in Heaven?" Although I did have to laugh at that one...never mind Uncle Matt or Granny or her parents...it's all about whether or not she's with her dachshund. I think he's been wanting to ask these questions for awhile but hasn't found an outlet for them until now. So I've tried to answer his questions the best that I can...but combine them with the upcoming one year anniversary of her death and it's a recipe for inner turmoil.

It's funny how an eight year old can sum up things so well. Because Cole's got it exactly right. It's impossible not to miss Matt and my mom but I try not to "wish." I hear people say, "I wish he was here to see this." or "I wish she hadn't died." I try not to wish them back - even if it's just an expression because, even if it's a natural part of grief, it's selfishness on my part. I would not wish them back from Heaven to suffer on Earth. It is only for myself that I want to be able to see them and I don't need to...they're always with me and I will see them again - someday. But Cole's right...someday isn't right now. And in the immortal words of Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, "You take it on faith, you take it to the heart/The waiting is the hardest part."