In my next thirty years

Well, it would seem that I'm big on resolutions this year. I've been thinking a lot about the last thirty years and what I'd have done differently if I had the chance. Losing your mom and turning thirty are both natural "soul searching" occurences and i think that there should be some sort of rule that says your mom's not allowed to die six months before you turn thirty. I think I've nearly soul searched myself into a coma the last few months.

I count myself lucky because my regrets are few and I realize that even the things that I wish I could change are done and not worth rehashing ad nauseum. Having said that, there are a few changes that I'm going to be working to implement in the next thirty years. They're all basically related.

First, I'm going to grow a thicker skin. I've always been ultra-sensitive and my feelings are easily hurt. Being the brunt of a joke has never been something I've been particularly good at but I'm working on it. I'm not going to let people's remarks bother me and make me feel bad anymore. (If anyone knows how to do this, please email me.) :D

Second, I'm going to stop worrying so much about what people think of me. Mike loves me. My dad loves me. Jeff loves me. My in-laws love me (and really, what's not to love? ;)) . That's a great support system right there and I don't care what the rest of the world thinks of me!

Third, I'm going to allow myself to get angry! But I won't let it ruin my good time. Once, right after Matt died (I mean less than two weeks), I was talking to a friend of mine whose brother had just been in a car accident. She told me that she was so happy he was alive because if he'd died she didn't know if she could have gone on living. Now I was happy that her brother was alright but it seemed to me to be a rather heartless thing to say to someone who'd lost a brother two weeks before. She could have stabbed me in the chest and it would have hurt less than those words. It hurt so bad that for a moment it took my breath away. I wanted to punch her in the face and scream at her but I just retreated into myself and never said a word. To this day I have never told her how upset I was at what she'd said. I was too worried that I'd somehow make her angry with me and she "wouldn't like me anymore." So instead of speaking up and clearing the air, I bottled it inside and simmered about it for weeks. Punching her in the face would have been the wrong thing to do but I wish I'd said to her, "That remark really upset me and it's bothering me." I don't believe it was her intent to make me feel bad but because I didn't say anything, I spent weeks brooding and obsessing about her thoughtless comment until my anger consumed me. I wasn't able to have any sort of fun at all until I finally was able to let it go. It's the same sort of thing with my birthday party. There were a handful of people who had RSVP'd that they'd show up and then never did. While I still believe it's rude to not call me and tell me you wouldn't make it (I was buying food, for pete's sake) - I will politely be letting them know that I would appreciate a call next time - I refused to let it ruin my night then and I'm beyond stressing about it now. And that feels REALLY good. Before, I would have at least spent the next week wondering if this signaled that you didn't like me anymore or felt like I was boring. Now I'm just so happy to have been able to spend time with the people who could make it. By the way, though...if you weren't there... You. Missed. Out. Ha! It was awesome!

Fourth, I will not longer be a friendship lifesupport machine. Friendships come and go and I'm going to accept that. There are a few friendships that I've held onto and refused to let die a natural death. There have not been any big fights - no blow ups. Just the naturally progression of life. One of the best and the worst things about life is the way that it is always changing. Births, deaths, marriages, divorces, new jobs, new homes, moving, new friendships - they happen every day. Sometimes, despite their best intentions, people are simply too busy to devote the time necessary to keeping friendships alive. I have a hard time realizing this is the case and letting go. Sometimes when people say, "We've got to get together and do something soon!" - what they are really saying is "I like you but I am way too busy to do anything." I don't realize the difference and so I keep working to pin point a time when we can get together and am, inevitably, disappointed when they cancel at the last minute because something's come up or they simply don't respond to my email and/or phone message until it's too late to do whatever I suggested. So in my next thirty years, I'm going to remember that it's ok to let go sometimes. I'm not going to be rude to anyone or attempt to "punish" anyone. And, I'd like to specifically state that I'm not threatening to cut anybody off if they don't call me right away! I'm also not speaking to anyone in particular but rather using a general "you" to mean anyone - everyone. I'll always be here for anyone who needs me. But I'm going to let people come to me a little more. If you want to hang out or have dinner, give me a call and I will jump at the chance! If you have to cancel...no hard feelings! Call me sometime when you're available again. But I (probably) won't be calling you to reschedule. I'm going to go with the flow and let life lead me instead of trying to control every aspect of the world around me. If you don't don't have time to pal around with me - no problem. That's cool...maybe in a year or two your life will have shifted and our schedules will realign and you'll give me a call. But if not, I'll always remember the times we spent together, think of you fondly and continue to wish you well in any and everything that you do. Maybe you'll send me a postcard from wherever you're vacationing because you were in the gift shop and suddenly remembered how much I love getting postcards. Maybe we'll run into each other in the street when we're in our sixties and we'll stop to grab a drink and spend an afternoon saying, "Remember that time when we..." and sharing a few more laughs. No matter what - I'm always available for advice, a chat, a laugh or to lend a hand.

In the meantime, I feel really good about the decisions I've made. I'm working to make my life reflect the Tim McGraw song. In my next thirty years I'm going to cry a little less, laugh a little more and find a world of happiness.

I'm interested to know what you were doing when you were thirty. Or if you're not thirty yet (why are you reading this!? I try not to know people who are younger than me. :D), tell me what you think you'll be doing when you're thirty. Drop me a line - operators are standing by.