Third times a charm?

Apparently Mike and I are cursed. Every time we find a place we really like (And we LOVED that place) something happens to make it not so perfect anymore. We put down a refundable deposit and made arrangements to talk to the realtor about meeting the landlord. We call the realtor on Monday as discussed and all is going as planned when the realtor drops a line in about how he made a mistake when he had first talked to us. It turns out the apartment is more expensive than he told us. A good chunk of change more. But, he said, he was going to talk to the landlord and see what he could work out. Mike and I discussed it and we both know that even if the landlord agrees to charge us what the realtor quoted to us - the first time we had to renew our lease he'd be jacking that rent up to what he was asking originally. Since the price we were quoted was at the top of our price range (actually $50 more than the max we had agreed on) adding more rent makes it way more than we want to spend.

BUUUUUUUUUT, we have found another place we like and we're hoping nothing happens to screw this one up. Nice neighborhood, has an upstairs and a downstairs, lots of storage space...I'm almost afraid to hope. Everybody cross your fingers for us.

Peace!

New address!

We've done it! We found an apartment that we like and that has the requirements that we want. We put some money down to hold the apartment until the landlord gets back into the city, early next week. We have a "to be scheduled" meeting with him when he returns. It's then that we'll be in negotiations - the tenant JUST moved out and the apartment hasn't been cleaned etc. I want the place scrubbed down really good and a few things fixed up before we agree to take it. The house is on the corner of Iowa street which I'll consider my own little piece of home in the city. Anyways, we've put down a refundable deposit to hold the place for us but the deal isn't done yet. Cross your fingers that all goes well with the negotiations and we'll keep you informed.

Oh, yeah -

City Colleges of Chicago called my references today, asking about me because they were "considering me for a position." I think the fact that they called my references is a good sign! Cross your fingers.

Moving on...

WE'RE MOVING. I'm a little nervous. We put in our notice to Matthew that we'll be moving out of the apartment on or before November 1st...and we haven't found an apartment to move into yet. Let me explain. The appeal for my unemployment came through and the original decision (to deny benefits) was overturned. So Mike and I came into a chunk of change - most of a summer's worth of unemployment that I didn't cash before. Not that it's a billion dollars but it's a nice nest egg. We had talked about moving but nothing really serious. Mike, being Mike, likes to look at apartments - even though we weren't really planning on moving right away. The next thing you know, we're looking at places. Then last night we saw a gorgeous place that we loved. A 2 bedroom apartment in Ukrainian Village with hardwood floors, high ceilings, storage in the basement...and a picture of Pope John Paul II in the hallway. We loved this place. I wanted to tell the guy that night that we'd take it but Mike wanted to look at the other places that we had appointments to see. But we made the decision that we were definitely going to move. Our lease is up and we have just outgrown the apartment we're in currently. It's a cute apartment and I adore Matthew - but we're tripping over our stuff and each other and if we re-sign the lease then we're there for at least another 6 months and we might end up divorced if we have to fight about the state of the apartment for 6 more months. :D We have no storage area and we have books and papers and CDs that are spilling out of every available area. Mike, being raised in the clean and orderly Kurczewski household is driven INSANE by this. Me, being raised in the clean but much less orderly Harris household, finds this a minor annoyance but Mike's complaining DOES drive me insane. Every day we have a conversation that is some variant on the following:

Mike: We need to clean up this apartment. There's all this stuff all over the place and it looks so cluttered in here.

Me: Where will we put this stuff? I like it to look nice in here too but there's just no place to put it.

Mike: I don't know - just figure it out. This is driving me crazy.

Me: You're driving ME crazy.

Mike: Yeah? We'll you're ugly. (Ok, ok...he doesn't really say that. Hee hee. )

But the conversation does deteriorate from there until I end up saying something like, "You're such a pain in my ass, Kurczewski."

On a side note, this conversation is making me miss my mom. The part where I accuse Mike of being a pain in the butt is where (if my parents were present) my dad would pipe up and say, "You don't have to take that from her, Mike." To which my mom would say, "You better watch it, old man, you're skating on thin ice" - as she drew herself up to her full height of 5'4 and looked him square in the...chin. But I digress -

I had pretty much set my heart on this place we looked at last night. My dad gave us enough money to cover the first month's rent and a full month's rent for security deposit - so we wouldn't have to dip into our savings at all to secure and rent a new apartment. (How could you not love my dad - not that money is the only reason I love him but y'know, money never makes anybody LESS loveable, right? *winkwink* I kid, I kid!) Mike called the lady today with a list of our questions and whatnot. Her son showed us the apartment last night and said that they usually ask for a month's rent for security. He said that they're considering putting a washer and dryer in the basement and that the fact that we're moving in on Nov. 1st probably wouldn't be a problem. Well, it turns out that his mom isn't quite as laid back as he is. Mike says she's very nice but firm. Turns out, she's not really going to put in a washer and dryer. Everybody uses the laundromat on the corner. I'm not crazy about the idea of schlepping the laundry down the street - but it's not a deal breaker. She has people looking at the apartment this weekend and if they want it before Nov. 1st, they'd get priority. Reasonable, I guess - business is business. The thing that is a deal breaker for me is the fact that she wants two months rent as a security deposit. That's crazy - I've never heard of anybody wanting so much money to move in. So we're looking at other places tonight - maybe we'll find the "perfect" place in the next few days - but I was majorly disappointed.

When it rains....

What the heck is going on! Three months - nothing. Nobody seems interested in my stupendous, fabulous job skills. All of a sudden, I've hit the lottery. Not that I'm complaining...it's just weird!

Today I had an interview with the City Colleges of Chicago. It went alright. I can never tell if I've impressed them. Every time I think I've made my mark and they like me, they never call. But I had an interview, I like the job that is open and I'm hoping.

I have another interview on Monday with a law firm. It's just an average everyday clerical job but it's got a decent salary, which is what I'm looking for. Plus I think there's a good chance that if I get this job, I can work my way into the researching side of the practice, which is where I'd like to be.

THEN, I got letter of interest from another law firm today. This job is on the research side of the firm and I REALLY want them to write me back and ask me for an interview. We'll see. :D

On my way home from my interview today, I got sick. When it's too warm on the bus/train, I get motion sick and I'm pretty sure that's what's going on here. I managed to hold in the "ick" until I got off the bus. I started to walk up the block to my house and threw up. Then I walked a few more steps and threw up again. One more time a little further up the block and I was home. I tried to be discreet about it and I tried to aim off of the sidewalk. Anyways, I got home and hung up my new power suit, which is bee-ee-ay-you-teeful. Then I laid down and I feel a lot better now. BUUUUUUUUUT, I'm afraid that I've caught a touch of a flu bug and I'm afraid to do too much. (Nobody get their hopes up, I'm not pregnant.)

Anyway, I think I'm going to take a nap and try to feel 100% before the end of the day.

Peace!

My daily ePrayer for today

Guide Me Through These Dark Days
O Lord, I am torn up with grief. I know you are there, but I cannot see pastmy sorrow and tears. Be with me, Lord, and do not take my unhappiness to heart. Rather, work within me to guide me through these dark days and bring your light to my life, so that I may see your goodness, even in my mourning.

A surprise

I got this link today in an advertisement email. It was dated September 2, the day of my mother's funeral. Click below to see.

My surprise>

Memories

The following is the text of a tribute given at my mother's funeral. It was presented by Melissa, the evening clerk for the department with which my mom was employed. This is her voice and not my own...

Nursing Memories of Linda Harris

Let us celebrate the nursing life of Linda Harris. It's my honor to share with you our memories as Linda's co-workers. Mary though of this good idea of creating this memory book for the family. Many of you had some 20 plus years with Linda. The memory book has so many kind words and funny stories that I've attempted to put together all we wrote. GRMC will miss this EXCEL employee. Most co-workers say she was caring, private, witty, a nursing resource, independent and loved her family and dogs. Linda loved nursing even though it has changed throughout the years and she continued working her profession to the end of her life. Her nursing knowledge helped each one of us in day surgery, ED, day hospital, PCU and 4West. Sherry Boeding and Kathy Thompson say she was known as a great resource RN starting on 4West and ending in day surgery.

One consistent trait shared throughout the memory book is Linda's dry send of humor. All of us have funny stories and we'd be here all day telling them so I'll spare us that and try to hit some highlights. Let us begin with 4West stories. Linda Anderson shares, "We both worked the same weekends on 4West and this one particular Sunday we were getting this very large lady off the commode. Somehow when we were trying to lift her up, the bedpan dropped to the floor and the lady's rear end sunk down in the commode and she was stuck. The harder we tried to lift her our to no avail, the funnier the situation became. The patient was not hurt, just stuck and every time we looked at each other, we could hardly contain ourselves - all the while trying to act professional and not have the patient catch on to how funny the situation had become to us, which was very difficult considering by then we had tears streaming down our faces. Finally, a big weight lifter CNA came to the rescue and lifted the patient out of the commode and put her back to bed. He didn't think the incident was that funny and looked at us like we'd lost our minds."

And here is another 4West story from Jacinta, "I had a patient who had a huge mess and it was so bad that I called the UCC [the front desk clerk] and said, "I need help stat!" The person responded, "Yeah, good luck getting some." I was so mad that I went out there to see who had said that to me and it was Linda with that grin, laughing."

One of my favorite 4West stories is this, "Linda was working the night shift with a nurse who changed the assignments. This nurse would take the very easy patients, like the comatose ones and those who slept the entire shift. Linda would end up running all night while this nurse sat there at the nurses station. One night, Linda had enough and as she was running room to room, she "revived" on of the comatose patients [she ducked into his room and hit his call light] and suddenly the call light was going off all night long. The lazy nurse didn't sit that night. To Linda's knowledge the nurse never did know how the comatose patient could use his call light."

Yes, Linda was ornery and borderline wicked sometimes with her sense of humor but she didn't mean any harm. So, if you're this nurse, please keep this in mind. Linda was conscientious and hopeful that her comments weren't hurtful. Many nurses understood Linda. Sandy Galt says she was often on the receiving end of Linda's sense of humor and loved it anyway.

Three years ago when I started working as the day surgery evening unit cler, Linda and Sherry Murphy were the evening nurses I worked with the most. Those two were quite a team. One busy night, a patient down the hall needed help. Linda started running and fell and then Sherry ran to help and tripped. PACU nurses came over hearing all the commotion and didn't know who needed the help - Linda, Sherry or a patient. Later, when things settled down, we looked at each other, laughed and drank a Diet Pepsi.

Sue Wilson remembers Linda as an avid Diet Pepsi drinker who loved sweets. I don't recall her sharing sweets, but Linda shared her DP drinks with others, even when she drank someone else's instead. Those of use who drank DP knew that if Linda made a mistake, she always bought another one to replace the one she drank. Often she would buy one just to be giving one to those sharing the addiction. She believed in giving.

The DeHague family has followed Linda from 4West to Day Surgery. Cindy DeHague was a clerk with Linda on 4West and Amanda as a nurse and then Bryon as a Day Surgery nurse and then, of course, Ryan as a transporter. Amanda recalls ten years ago, "Charlie and Linda let me borrow a cradle that Charlie had made for my daughter Ariana who is now 10. Also, I picked up a shift for Linda in day surgery. Linda and Cindi gave me a heart necklace and lotion for doing this." Linda expressed her thanks to this family and others.

Cindy [DeHague] says that her son, Bryon, found Linda as a mentor and friend. When Linda was off work recovering from surgery, Bryon picked up extra shifts, and Linda appreciated his support. When she returned to work, Linda exchanged her day shift hours with Bryon so that he could spend time with his family. Because family was important to her, she understood other co-workers who wanted to be with their families. She would tell other nurses to go home, especially if they had an activity involving their families. Linda offered her help with co-workers, even if it involved other duties not her own. She tore down charts, answered the phone, wheeled patients out, helped the liaison and always gave money toward gifts and donations. She believed that when you receive, you give. She believed in teamwork. Angela knows that Linda was a big team player in the unit and says she will miss her dearly.

Doctors even found Linda as a good nurse and an enjoyable colleague to work with. Kay Mullahy said that Linda loved to work with Dr. Vincent and that he was nice to her. Dr. Williams wrote that he used to talk with Linda about Indiana basketball, even though she liked the Hawkeyes. Dr. Carlson was her personal physician and says she was a kind, generous and quiet person, who never got over her son's death. Dr. Niehaus was called "Saint Michael" by Linda, even though even he knows that's not true.

Linda cared about the patients but found some people frustrating to care for, the ones who whined a lot and complained no matter what she did for them and those who craved constant attention. Very few knew that she felt this way, because she behaved professionally and made nursing a priority. Linda didn't complain about her own health and would not talk about her own pain. She took care of others without complaining even towards the very end of her life.

About a month ago, we were talking about how to accept people for who they are and how sometimes it's difficult to tolerate certain people. Linda came up with the most profound statement. I put this on my refrigerator.

"There are three types of people in the world:
1. People who make things happen
2. People who watch things happen, and
3. People who as, 'What the hell just happened?'"

Linda shared her feelings and thought about her family and dogs. She loved all of you, Charlie, Cindi, Jeff and yes, you, Caleb. Most nurses who bonded with Linda express that they know how much she loves Charlie. All of us know that Charlie is a good man. Kay said that when Linda came home with a dining room set, Charlie's co-workers couldn't believe she didn't ask his input. Charlie said, "She works hard. She makes money." Also, Linda volunteered her family members to help us. No matter if it was transporting a Christmas tree or helping with directions in Chicago, she offered help. She was very excited about Cindi getting married to Mike, but she wished he had a different last name, one she could remember and spell better. She talked about her dogs almost daily. All of us know that Linda never got over the loss of Matt and would at times grieve the loss quietly.

Yes, Linda had on her locker for all staff to read, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened!" And now, this is the difficult part for all of us. We must somehow go on and smile because it happened, that we had the opportunity to work with this kind, funny and caring co-worker and friend. We have lost our evening nurse and friend, but we are so happy that we got to know her and spent so much time with a great nurse. So let's, "smile because it happened."

A postponement

Well, the "walk every day" regime has been postponed a day or two because I'm still in the grip of this wicked cold. I might try walking around a block or something but anything further than that and I'm coughing like a 3 pack a day smoker.

Wicked...that's such a fun word to me thanks to Good Will Hunting. "My boy's wicked smaht."

What else? Oh yeah...I had my appeals hearing with the unemployment office today. It was quite a shock to me since I hadn't known I was HAVING a hearing today - luckily it was by telephone and I was able to conduct it while wearing my pajamas. It was supposed to be at 11:30 but the guy called and asked if I'd like to have it early and I was starting to freak out because I thought I had to be downtown. The guy told me that it was a phone hearing (which I never heard of before) and I felt like an idiot for a minute. Anyway, the guy was quite affiable and the interview was quick. He went over the job search list I had and asked me if I had any restrictions that would limit my ability to look for work. I didn't. He'll make a decision today and mail out the decision tomorrow. So I'll know something in a day or two, theoretically.

The reason that this has been such a trial is because my employer called the state of IL and told them that I was attempting to defraud them. LIARS!!! They said that they had offered me classes and I refused to work and instead applied for unemployment. Mike and I talked about it and have decided that I will not be signing a contract to teach with them again. I am instead devoting myself to finding a full-time job asap. It was a tough decision. Well, it was and it wasn't. After they pulled this stunt (which could have gotten me in REALLY big trouble - In the extreme, I could have actually gone to jail if the state had decided to pursue it criminally) the last place I wanted to be was back working for them. But I had to be a grown up and think about paying bills. Luckily I have Mike, whose income pays our rent, utilities etc. Also luckily because he was so outraged on my behalf that he flat out refused to consider me going back to work for them. The fact is, I haven't been happy there for some time. I was hoping to find another job anyway. If I sign a contract with them, I'm stuck with them for another year. They don't pay well for the amount of work that is required of me, I've been physically threatened by students and have noticed the lack of administrative support when I try and set rules in my classroom. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. We'll be skating the thin edge for awhile - but we've got some savings and I'm going to be working my butt off to find a job. If I send out a hundred applications then surely one of them has to pay off, right? I hope so. Wish me luck!

Peace!

Sad, but true

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name,
In life we loved you dearly,in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.

--Author Unknown--

Chuck Dodgers in the 24 1/2th Century!

I have news! My dad has email. It's been a bit of a struggle trying to remember how to log onto the internet, connect to his email account, log in and send mail but he's almost got it down pat now. The biggest problem came in the form that the internet dialup has a different login and password from email. I am soliciting people to keep in touch with my dad via email and if you'd like to have his email address, just drop me an email and I will be happy to provide it to you. I draw the line at posting it to the internet population at large.

I thought about throwing something in here about my dad, internet bimbos and him being "newly single"...but I ultimately decided that people wouldn't get my sense of humor and I'd come off sounding heartless. Our sense of humor is one thing that my mom and I had in common - very irreverent. Right after she died, we were discussing something in a crowd and it turned out that the date of the funeral was going to conflict with something or cause us difficulty in some way. I said, "Oh, way to go, Mom." My family got it - my dad, Jeff and Robin snickered but other people just looked shocked. I kinda bit my tongue but ultimately I decided that my mom woulda got the joke so I didn't care if it shocked everybody else. She'd want us to go on as we did before. Anybody who came in at the last ten minutes of my mom's visitation would have been in for a shock. Caleb, Jeff, Robin, Tracy, Mike and I were taking pictures of each other and fooling around with my camera-phone. By this time everybody'd been and gone and we were at the very end of the evening. Caleb wanted me to take his picture with the pillow he'd made for my mom which was propped against the wooden box that held the box with her ashes. He started to move the box and only the top part moved - it came away from the base a little bit and I automatically said (gently but quite alarmed), "Oh, Caleb! Don't move that! You'll spill Grandma." I looked at Jeff. He looked at me and the whole bunch of us started to laugh. We laughed so hard we were holding our sides and Jeff made the joke that if that happened we could change the words of "Grandma Got Runover By a Reindeer" to "Grandma Got Sucked Up in a Hoover." My mom would have loved it.

In other news, Mike barely survived through the day today after he attempted to "mute" me with the remote control.

Caleb competed in a tractor pull in Missouri this weekend and...ahem...he took third place. Not bad for his first time out, thankyouverramuch. And save the hillbilly-tractor-pull jokes for someone who isn't proud of it, k? ;) If you would like to send him congratulations, I will also be happy to provide you with his email address. I think those are the only emails I'm willing to give out, though...let me think about that....uh....yeah, definitely.

Also, I owe everybody a HUGE apology - thanks to Mike's mom for tell me! It turns out that somehow because I've been getting a lot of, like, spam comments, blogger set it so that I have to ok any comments that people make. I had a whole slew of them! Who knew. Also, I would like to know if the poster of the "Sandy's 3 1/2 years younger than me. Guess who?" comment is Mike's Auntie Bren. If not, then it's my mom. She and Mike's aunt were born one day apart. Please continue to comment. Reading the comments is half the fun. Oh, but - please, please, please...put your name on your comment somewhere. If you can't change anonymous to read your name, then just sign it. My head hurts from trying to figure out who all the "anonymous"es are.

I had a follow up doctor's appointment today. Mike's boss is an MD and he agreed to see me. He continued my anti-depressant prescription and changed my antibiotic because the one I had wasn't working. He said he could see evidence of drainage and some fluid in my ear. I was all smiley thinking all would be well. Then the nurse came in with my prescription, a sample pack with my anti-biotic in it...and a hypodermic needle. I'm glad Mike was there because I couldn't stop staring at the needle long enough to pay attention. I kept thinking, "Please don't let that be for me." And she said, "And I'm going to give you a shot of (whatever the drug was) which will help with your drainage and allergies." This is the first I've heard of allergies...apparently the doc thinks my chronic sinus problems are partly allergies. Anyways, I'm already semi-freaking out about the shot when she said, "You'll have to get down, I'm going to put this in your hip." GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN! Not only a shot but a shot in the BUTT! I seriously looked at her and said, "Heeeeeeeeeeell, no." But then I got down and she gave me the shot and it wasn't HORRIBLE although it hurt. Pain is not my friend. And for being such a good girl, Mike bought me a video game. It was a clearance game...he'd only promised me a CD and this was actually cheaper. It's a pirate game where I search for treasure and kill monkeys. Why monkeys? No idea...it's odd, I know. Anyway, after all this Anglo-Needle Torture (As opposed to Chinese Water Torture, get it?), the nurse tells me that they want to see me in a month and to make sure I fast because THEY WILL BE DRAWING BLOOD.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that I need to do this because I want to take care of myself and getting a sort of base-reading on where I'm at is a good idea but I'm like, "Who is this mad man?! Can't you at least buy me dinner first? Geez." I'm also worried that in a month he'll tell me I'm diabetic. Now I have no real reason to believe this will be true except that it's on both sides of my family and I've always figured it's just a matter of time. I'm not having any symptoms that seem to indicate that I have out of control blood sugars or anything and so I could totally be worrying for nothing. Anyway, I've already made several lifestyle adjustments. Positive ones. No more soda, little to no fried foods, no potato chips (my big weakness) and I've started eating these Quaker Ricecake snacks and adding carrot sticks to my diet. The Rice snacks do taste a bit strange but I can handle it. Also, Mike and I are on the cusp of a new "take a walk every night" exercise regime. It starts Monday when I have (hopefully) gotten rid of this cold. We'll start with a set distance and add a block or two every other night. So really, being a diabetic wouldn't be the end of the world. I guess I'm just worried about trying to work in another big life change.

I do tend to ramble, don't I? I'm going to wrap this up and go and give my husband a big Ranch flavored Quaker Rice Snack kiss. He'll love that. Almost as good as blue cheese kisses or peanut butter kisses. Anyway, COMMENT, COMMENT, COMMENT and I'll try and get the Polish Wonder here to do a posting of his own.

Peace!

Where have all the readers gone?

Does anybody read this anymore? I haven't had a comment in, like, 2 months! Echo....echo....echo....

No matter. I will continue to dispense the facts regardless.

I talked to my dad today. It turns out that in January he can retire if he wants to. He'll receive widower benefits from social security and he can draw from his pension at work. He'll actually make more money this way than he would working. The only drawback being that he'll be without health insurance until medicare kicks in when he's 65. He'll be eligible for greatly discounted medical care at the VA hospital in Iowa City, though. He's thinking about it. I told him to talk to Mike's dad. He's retired and might be able to offer insight.

To top off an awful couple of weeks, I've got a cold. I'm on anti-biotics to get rid of a sinus infection and have somehow caught a cold. I'm achy, stuffed up, coughing and have a killer sore throat. I've also discovered that chamomile tea is a foul, foul beverage.

Mike's got two interviews today and one next week. Cross your fingers and send happy thoughts our way. It'd be great if he could get one of these jobs. It'd be nice if I could get an interview or two also...but one thing at a time.

I'm taking a nap. Behave!

Eastbound and Down

Tomorrow's (actually today now) the day - we head back to Chicago. Back to reality. Back to the real world. Despite how hard it's been to be in this house without my mother, it's going to be worse to go back to Chicago. It's easy to be surrounded by family and friends when in times of trouble - much less easy to be back a reality where few people care much about you. Oh I have friends - friends with lives who won't be able to take time off of work to sit around and mope with me. Mike will have to go back to work and won't be around to "just be there" for me. He doesn't say much but his presence is comforting. Not talking but enduring the scrutiny of hundreds of cousins and friends who hadn't yet met him...along with the lustful glances of my 85 year old Aunt Anna Margaret (my Granny's baby sister) who mentioned, very vehemently, what a handsome husband I had. Then she blushed when she realized that Mike was heading our direction and made me promise not to tell him that she'd said that.

I feel like my family has endured our fair share of grief in the last few years. It's hard to remember that everything happens for a reason in times like these. When Matt died I didn't think I could feel worse. As I sat on the couch in the front row at my mother's funeral and listened to my father sob next to me, I realized that there may be one person in the room who felt worse than I did. I vowed at that moment that it would not be Mike and my children sitting there in thirty years. One of the last things my mom said to me before I left Iowa the last time we visited was that she wished she'd started living healthier thirty years ago so that maybe she wouldn't have had to endure her heart attack and recovery - not to mention the fact that her heart was now so weak. I've made a plan consisting of three things that I am going to do within the next year.

1> Get a job. I can't really do 2 and 3 without a job as they take money that we do not currently possess.

2> Lose weight. I am setting a minimum goal of 50 pounds. I hope to lose more but at a minimum, I want to lose a pound a week. I can adjust what I eat fairly easily but my intentions to join the Y have been derailed by East-West University and the State of Illinois. That is what I'm going to do the minute I have the money. Spending money to be affiliated with an association is a guarantee that Mike will force me out of the house and onto the treadmill. Not to mention that Mike wants to get back in shape as badly as I do. We're going to do what we can without a gym membership but there's only so many places you can walk and certain hours that you can walk when you live in a big city - especially when your neighborhood borders more questionable neighborhoods.

3> Get pregnant. Not give birth - I'm not in a huge hurry for this one. Mike and I have been discussing kids and the death of my mom has made me realize that I'm not getting any younger. As I said, I'm not in a super rush. I want some time to prepare a nest egg and get healthier and get my body readier to be pregnant. My goal is to be pregnant by the end of August next year. Will this happen? Dunno - I'm not really in control of that...but I'm working on it.

I had better get to bed - it'll be a long drive tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Today

Today is my mother's funeral. In her honor, I would ask today that if your parents are living, you give them a call and tell them how much you appreciate them. If you are a parent, call your child/ren. Make good use of the opportunity that you have because I wish I had the same.

And in honor of my mother, I would like to take this opportunity to say to Mike's family, my family and my beautiful friends...."I love you."

I'm grieving...it's a process

Well here we are again in the middle of the night - seeking sleep but not finding it. I did manage to get a bit of sleep last night...mostly because I took a hefty dose of Xanax. I try to stay at about .25 - .50 mg but it has only been helping me sleep about 4 hours a night and I'm always afraid to take more at 4 in the morning because I don't really want to sleep all day. Last night I doubled the dose and took a whole mg. I slept almost all night. I'm still exhausted and I look like hell with dark circles and the whole bit. I guess considering that before last night I slept a maximum of 4 hours, I feel pretty good.

I've said this before, but it bears repeating. When I was about three years old, I was in Spurgeon's department store with my mother and we got separated. Being three, I was sure that I was never going to see my mother again and I was in a state of panic until a nice lady took me to the customer service desk where they paged overhead for "Lucinda's mother to please come to the service desk." That is the same feeling I've had for the past four days. This panicky, little kid-like fear never leaves me. This time, though, there is no service desk to page her.

There is a line that has been running through my head all day. It is from the Edna St. Vincent Millay poem that I posted on the blog a couple of months ago to commemorate the anniversary of Matt's death. "More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world."

Tonight we taught my dad how to play Mike's Grandpa's dicey game.

Today Chaplain Randy from the hospital where my mom works stopped out to see us. He's so wonderful - I've always really liked him but saying nice things about my mom always earns extra brownie points. He brought us this really pretty wooden keepsake box and a book with poetry, pictures and advice on how to work your way through the grieving process. In the book was this poem by Robert Browning which I really like:

I walked a mile with Pleasure;

She chattered all the way.

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow

And ne'er a word said she;

But, oh the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me.

The cards started coming in today. We got some from friends, one from her doctor's office and one from her former insurance agent. That's the beauty of small, closely-knit communities, I guess. Everybody remembers you.

We met with the lady who will be conducting Mom's memorial service. She wanted to speak with us and "get to know" Mom a little bit. She asked me why she was a good Mom. What made her a good Mom? I couldn't answer. How do you sum up something so large into a few words? She was my everything. She loved me more than anyone in this world will EVER love me. She gave me life and until last Friday I had never known a world without her. I told the reverend that I will think about it and try to put it into words. I started to write down things I remember about my mom into a small notebook that I'm carrying around with me. I was doing alright and then writing "I always had to save the pecans in the mixed nut container for her. She told me that her mom always got the pecans when she was growing up, she will get all the pecans while I am growing up and then when I have kids I can make them give me the pecans" made me cry.

I went and visited my brother's memorial marker today. I was feeling low and very alone. I can't say I miraculously felt better or anything but I did manage to remind myself that Matt was there to meet her when she died and he's probably got the best spots scoped out for her already.

My mom had a saying taped to the front of her locker at work and I've decided to adopt it as my personal mantra. Whenever I get down and feel sorry for myself, I'll say, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Yesterday I went down to the hospital where my mom works to clean out her locker and talk with everybody. I saw tons of people and it took me all day to get done and out of the building. When I expressed how much I'll miss seeing my mom to her friend and co-worker, Sandy (who has worked with her forEVER), she touched my face and said, "Whenever you miss your mom's face, look in the mirror and there it is."

Tomorrow Mike and I are going to have lunch with my mom's long-time best friend, a woman she always referred to as "Marvelous Martha" Schumacher. I'm rather looking forward to it.

I know this is sort of a spastic post - all over the place...but that's how my thought processes are working right now. Wanna fight about it? Didn't think so.

I'm going to try and sleep now - wish me luck.

Arrangements...

As most of you probably know but some of you may not, my mother died unexpectedly on Friday, August 25th. I wanted to let everyone know about the funeral arrangements that we've made. I also want to take this opportunity to send my heartfelt thanks to everyone for their thoughts, calls and prayers.

As per my mother's wishes, she has been cremated. Her ashes will be combined with my baby brother's. When my father passes, his ashes will be added and we will scatter them so that they may remain together forever.

There will be a visitation to honor my mother's memory on Friday, September 1, 2006. The funeral home will be open from 9AM until 8PM and the family will be receiving visitors from 6PM until 8PM. There will be additional visitation time from 10AM until 11AM on Saturday, September 2, 2006. There will be a memorial service on Saturday, Sept. 2 at 11AM. Following the service, there will be an on-site luncheon. A memorial has been established in her name.

The visitation and memorial service will be held at:

Elliott Chapel
One Redbud Lane
New London, Iowa 52645
319-367-5211

If you want an address and/or phone number for myself, my father or my brother, Jeff, you may respond in the comments, give me an email or call my cell phone if you have the number.

Insomnia

I'm sitting here at my mother's computer and it's 3:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. I feel like I'll never sleep again. I keep looking over at the couch because ordinarily, if I was sitting here on the computer in the middle of the night, she'd be asleep on the couch by the window with a couple of her dogs.

I do pretty good for awhile and then I fall apart for a little bit. I've cried so much that at one point, I couldn't produce tears anymore. I sat there with my face scrunched up, making crying noises but producing no waterworks.

Poor Mike has had the worst of it. He's been very solid and stoic thusfar and I know he feels so bad for me. He was with me when I found out she had died. He followed me around when I decided that I couldn't be in the house anymore and he was the one who held me while I literally screamed at him, "No! I can't go through this again! This isn't happening! I want my mom! Make it stop! I WANT MY MOM!"

The worst bit tonight was when I was looking through some pictures that my mom has tucked away in one of her desk drawers. There are so many cute pictures of us as kids, my cousins, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. It was fun. I was laughing at this picture of my mom holding my baby brother...and he really was a baby at this point, maybe a year old. In the picture she's grinning, bent over partway with Matty in her arms while he giggles and grabs ahold of her father (my grandpa Parker's) hair. My grandpa has this really funny look on his face. It's a great picture. Then, even as I laughed at it, I suddenly had this bone-chilling thought. "Everyone in this picture is dead." My laughter died and I was suddenly bawling like a two year old again.

I thought to myself today, "Y'know, people go through this every day." I mean, I'm certainly not the only person in the world to lose a parent. Not even the only one to lose one on Friday. People deal with this every day but, Oh dear God, I don't know how they survive. I mean, I know I will. As my mother always says, "Remember, 'This too, shall pass.'" And so it will.

But who's going to help me solve all my problems? Who's going to buy useless little trinkets and give them to me when I visit? Who's going to buy me Angel Cheeks figurines and Willow Tree Angels that I've run out of room for? Who's going to listen to me complain, give me advice and always say, "You know, Lucinda, these things have a way of working themselves out."? Who?

I'm so lost.

An update

Mike and I have arrived at my parents' house. We're scheduled to meet with the funeral director tomorrow to make arrangements. I'll keep you updated as well as I can.

Thanks to everyone who is sending well wishes and prayers our way. I'm not ashamed to tell you that we need them right now. We're holding it together as best as we can here but everywhere around are things to remind us what we have lost.

Originally we had thought that Mom was at home when she started having trouble and drove herself to the hospital. She drove to the hospital, parked her car, locked it and went into the emergency room. Once in the lobby, she lost consciousness and collapsed. The staff were unable to revive her. She never regained consciousness and died shortly thereafter. The staff tried to call my dad, who was at work, and were unable to reach him. They then called my mom's brother, my uncle Mike. He drove into Mt. Pleasant and had them get my dad. Uncle Mike told him that my mom was gone.

It turned out that she never made it home after work. My mom worked her shift at the hospital and started to come home. When she started having trouble, she turned back around and drove back to the hospital. This answered any lingering questions about why she'd driven herself to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance. We figured this out when my dad and my uncle drove down to the hospital to pick up her car. She always had something to eat waiting for my dad when he got home from work. When my dad got into her car to drive it home, there was a styrofoam container on the passenger seat. He opened it and found food that she was bringing home for him. If she'd made it home, she'd have taken the food inside.

Funeral arrangements will be made through Elliot Chapel in New London, Iowa. We're thinking a weekend service so that her co-workers will have the option to attend but nothing is set yet. I'll post more when we solidify arrangements.

If you're a church goer, light a candle for my mom. We miss her.

Agony

I'm sorry to inform you that my mother, Linda Eileen Harris, died yesterday. I wish I had more to say right now, but I'm still reeling from the shock. I've only known that she's been gone for a couple of hours and I'm heartsick.

I do not know much at this point. Arrangements will be made and I'll try to keep everyone updated on what is going on. I only know that I feel like my world is ending. I hurt so much but I'm trying to hold it together because I know she is with my brother right now and that she's so happy to see him. I want to rejoice in that knowledge but all I can think is, "Oh, God...what will I ever do without her?"

Meet Harley

Harley stayed with us for two weeks. She made Furio and Meme absolutely crazy. More Meme than Furio, actually. She's not a cat cat...if you know what I mean. Every time one of my cats would get within five feet of her, she would hiss and spit and raise a commotion. For the first few days, Meadow tried SO hard to be her friend. She pestered her to absolutely no end. Then one day, Harley was sitting on the bed with me and Meadow was in the doorway between the kitchen and bedroom just sort of daydreaming. Harley meowed to get Meme's attention and when Meme looked up at her, Harley crawled up into my lap and rolled over on her back...just totally hamming it up. From that moment, IT...WAS...ON. Meme went from, "Hey, another cat! Please be my friend." to "I hate that bitch and she hate me." Poor Furio had no idea what was going on. He didn't want to be anybody's friend and he didn't pester anybody but every time he went to the water dish, there was drama. Now he is way bigger than Meme and quite a bit bigger than Harley but he's the biggest chicken I've ever seen. He'd back down every time Harley even looked at him mean. Whenever you'd hear the hissing and growling and spitting that indicated Meme and Harley had inadvertently crossed each others' paths, he'd have to see what was going on...but you'd only see his eyeballs or the tips of his ears as he peeked out from behind something. No way was he getting inbetween those two. Ahh...good times.

Anyway, Harley stayed at our house while we were out searching for her owners. My friend, Leigh, had found her outside of her house and asked if we could watch her for a couple of days. We put up posters all over the neighborhood and put up ads on the internet. I called every no-kill shelter in the Chicagoland area but no one would take her. The Treehouse Animal Foundation called back and asked a bunch of questions stating that they might have room for her and that someone would call me back. Yeah...right. VERY
UNPROFESSIONAL. I'm still mad about that. At the time we thought she might be in pain because it looked like she might have a hip injury. As we had her longer, we realized it was an old injury that hadn't healed quite right. But, anyway, I'm still really mad that they didn't have the courtesy to call me back and tell me that they didn't have room for her. At least the other places told me that they didn't have room for her and suggested other places to try. Yeesh.

Anyways, moving on...after two weeks we were afraid that she'd just been abandoned. We were sure she wasn't a "professional" street cat. She was completely de-clawed, was super friendly with people and would only eat canned cat food. She'd obviously been well taken care of. Leigh began making plans to take Cat (as I called her at that time...original, I know. What do you want? She answered to it and she really liked it when I sang that "Cat Ballou" song to her.) into her apartment and introduce her to her multitude of cats. Then at nearly midnight on a Saturday night, we got a message on our answering machine. Someone said she thought she knew Cat. It turns out that Cat aka Harley's parents had been in Thailand! They'd gotten home on that Saturday and had asked their friend Amanda if she had seen Harley, who had apparently gotten out when their pet sitter was there to feed them. Amanda had seen our signs but hadn't realized Harley was missing. The next day, Ravital and Pete (Harley's parents) called us and came over to pick her up. One big happy ending. Cue the sappy music.

A funny sidenote...the entire time Harley was staying with us, Mike complained about having an extra cat in the house. Extra food to buy, extra litterbox to change - cat animosity....cat girls gone wild? Whaaaaat? When I would mention doing something, like putting adoption feelers out in Iowa and/or Michigan, Mike would kinda pout and say things like, "I just don't feel like this should be our responsibility." Meaning transporting said cat out of state and calling all these shelters etc. Nevermind that this cat friggin' loved him. She was all about Mike and he would lay in bed with her talking baby talk. (But then the next morning, he'd be like, "Did you call Leigh? When is she going to come and get her?") He's such an enigma. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnyway, Ravital and Pete came to pick her up and they gushed and made a big deal about thanking us for taking care of her. They brought us chocolates from Thailand and offered us free massages (they're both massage therapists...can you say 'jackpot'?) They kept thanking us and Mike said, "Oh, no problem. We loved having her."

What...the...?

I wanted to turn around and be like, "You lying bitch!" But I just smiled and went along.

Anyways, today is August 16th and as such, I must (it is required by law) wish Happy Birthday!!! to both my big brother, Jeffrey and my mother-in-law, Sandy (Mike's mom in case you're confused.) Holla back, yo!

P.S. Next time you see him, ask Mike how old his mom is. He has no friggin' clue. Actually he might now, because I told him. How sad is THAT! Geez.

How old are they you ask? Well, I'm not telling. But I'll give you some hints - you see if you can figure it out.

Memorable Events from the year Mike's mom was born:
Ronald Reagan married Nancy Davis. Sun Records in Memphis began releasing records. Hemingway published, "The Old Man and the Sea." The Detroit RedWings swept the Montreal Canadians to win the Stanley Cup. The Polish Constitution was adopted. Other notable births in this year: Christopher Reeve, Mr. Potato Head, Dan Akroyd, Jimmy Connors, Patrick Swayze and PeeWee Herman.

Memorable Events from the year my brother was born:
The Beatles movie, "Let It Be" premiers in the US. "Four dead in Ohio" as the National Guard kills four people at Kent State. Peter Queen quit Fleetwood Mac to join a religious cult. The voting age is lowered to 18. Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix both die from drug overdoses within a couple of weeks of each other - both are only 27. John Wayne wins an Oscar. Earth Day is celebrated for the first time. Other notable births in this year: Andre Agassi, Uma Thurman, Secreteriat (the horse that won the Triple Crown), Malcolm Jamal Warner, River Phoenix and Kelly Ripa.

Figure them out yet?