Eastbound and Down

Tomorrow's (actually today now) the day - we head back to Chicago. Back to reality. Back to the real world. Despite how hard it's been to be in this house without my mother, it's going to be worse to go back to Chicago. It's easy to be surrounded by family and friends when in times of trouble - much less easy to be back a reality where few people care much about you. Oh I have friends - friends with lives who won't be able to take time off of work to sit around and mope with me. Mike will have to go back to work and won't be around to "just be there" for me. He doesn't say much but his presence is comforting. Not talking but enduring the scrutiny of hundreds of cousins and friends who hadn't yet met him...along with the lustful glances of my 85 year old Aunt Anna Margaret (my Granny's baby sister) who mentioned, very vehemently, what a handsome husband I had. Then she blushed when she realized that Mike was heading our direction and made me promise not to tell him that she'd said that.

I feel like my family has endured our fair share of grief in the last few years. It's hard to remember that everything happens for a reason in times like these. When Matt died I didn't think I could feel worse. As I sat on the couch in the front row at my mother's funeral and listened to my father sob next to me, I realized that there may be one person in the room who felt worse than I did. I vowed at that moment that it would not be Mike and my children sitting there in thirty years. One of the last things my mom said to me before I left Iowa the last time we visited was that she wished she'd started living healthier thirty years ago so that maybe she wouldn't have had to endure her heart attack and recovery - not to mention the fact that her heart was now so weak. I've made a plan consisting of three things that I am going to do within the next year.

1> Get a job. I can't really do 2 and 3 without a job as they take money that we do not currently possess.

2> Lose weight. I am setting a minimum goal of 50 pounds. I hope to lose more but at a minimum, I want to lose a pound a week. I can adjust what I eat fairly easily but my intentions to join the Y have been derailed by East-West University and the State of Illinois. That is what I'm going to do the minute I have the money. Spending money to be affiliated with an association is a guarantee that Mike will force me out of the house and onto the treadmill. Not to mention that Mike wants to get back in shape as badly as I do. We're going to do what we can without a gym membership but there's only so many places you can walk and certain hours that you can walk when you live in a big city - especially when your neighborhood borders more questionable neighborhoods.

3> Get pregnant. Not give birth - I'm not in a huge hurry for this one. Mike and I have been discussing kids and the death of my mom has made me realize that I'm not getting any younger. As I said, I'm not in a super rush. I want some time to prepare a nest egg and get healthier and get my body readier to be pregnant. My goal is to be pregnant by the end of August next year. Will this happen? Dunno - I'm not really in control of that...but I'm working on it.

I had better get to bed - it'll be a long drive tomorrow.

Goodnight.