Today I fried my cell phone. When I realized I'd ruined it, I cried and I cried and I cried. Mike couldn't figure out what I was so upset about. Then I called my dad, hysterical, scaring the crap out of him. I'm sure he had pictured me with broken bones or being arrested. On top of the fact that it will cost in the neighborhood of $450 to replace, I have ruined the last present my mother gave me before she shuffled forth the mortal coil. It also had pictures on it of the last time I saw my mom. When my mom gave me this phone(the last days we spent together before she died), she told me, "When I die and there's not much for you to inherit, I want you to remember that I gave you things while I was living." And now I've ruined it.
When I was little and I'd break something, my mom would angrily tell me, "You just can't take care of things!" It was meant to sting and it always did. I still am most chastised when someone accuses me of being careless with things. But she was right. I was terrible about remembering where I put things and/or putting them back where they belong. To this day I generally don't buy myself really expensive things because I am too absent minded. When I realized what I'd done, I kept thinking, "You're so stupid! You can't take care of anything!"
I'm so upset about this and it's JUST a phone. Mike keeps telling me that. My dad told me that it could have happened to anyone and does on a regular basis. I keep trying to tell myself that but it feels like this just spotlights all of my faults. It's as if I've proven that my mother was right all those years ago and I can't stop letting her down even when she's dead. I just can't take care of things.
I'm hoping sleep and a new day will bring some clarity to my brain and I'll stop beating myself up over this but right now I feel as bad about this as I ever felt about anything I ever broke when I was young.
Why can't I just get a grip?
8 comments:
Cindi,
I wish I could tell you that what you're going through is abnormal or that the grief you are feeling is unique. But sweetie this is grief, and what you are feeling is straight from your heart. I remember "an incident" from a year ago when I lost some Christmas ornaments that were my mom's and even though she's been gone for nine years it hurt as much now as it would have then. Each thing, each item is a memory of time spent together. But remember - even though the item is gone the memory isn't nor is the love that binds you together. This is why grief is a process. As time passes the immediate gut-wrenching pain subsides and instead leaves a sadness and oftentimes a smile of a memory. My wish for you this year is that you'll be able to start remembering more and more with a smile. It will happen and don't beat yourself up because it isn't happening sooner. You just lost your manager, director and lead character in this play called life. Now the play will have to be rewritten and new leadership found. You can do it hon, and we're all with you and behind you each step of the way. Lots of love and many prayers are winging their way to you.
Rob
I think most of us are harder on ourselves than others are on us....I think you have a combination of things going on: your mom's last gift to you, her words: 'you just can't take care of anything', the pictures of your mom on the phone, the expense of the phone, etc. You are still in the grieving process and this is a lot to handle....your dad and Mike are right, it's JUST a phone...I'm sure you have already said that to yourself a thousand times..
Just a comment on the anonymous comment signed 'Rob'....Excellent, insightful and thoughtful advice for Cindi
Hey what can I say? I happen to love her :)
Rob
Love you too, Robin. If I had ever had a sister, I'd definitely want it to be you. You're a bit of all right - no matter what your kid says about you. Ha! :D
And for Heaven's sake, bring my Brookie to visit before she gets too big and forgets who I am.
You do have a sister and it happens to be me :P despite the butthead. I promise I will get her to Chicago perhaps in the spring or early summer once all your nasty snow disappears.
Rob
i resemble that remark and i know tmobile gives tips on how to fix your phone if to nothing else how to save the pictures
Reckon he's resembling the butthead??? LMAO
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