And here we are - after 2 am and I'm awake. I'm so tired of insomnia. It's not the same insomnia that I had right after my mom died. That was relentless. I dreaded bedtime because that was when the full weight of everything would hit me and leave me feeling like someone had ripped out several of my vital organs with a dull spoon. Everything hurt then. My chest ached, my stomach hurt from the nausea that never ended, my eyes burned and my nose was sore, dry and flaky from crying, my head hurt from the stress and thinking too much and all of my muscles screamed from the tension that never left my body. In the six weeks since her death, I've learned to get through the day little by little. At first, I was literally taking everything minute by minute. Gradually, I could get through a few hours without breaking down and I've gotten to the point where I can almost go a whole day without freaking out and blubbering all over myself. I haven't done it yet, though. If the meltdown occurs early-ish in the day, I can go to bed in my own bedroom. If not, I've learned to lay down in the other room until it passes so that I don't keep Mike up. Sometimes I fall asleep in the spare room watching tv and don't crawl into my own bed until early the next morning.
A day or two ago, someone told me that they knew "exactly how I felt" because her aunt had died. Now I do not doubt anyone's sincerity in grief but it was only due to sheer willpower that I didn't rip her eyeballs out and scream at her, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL SO SHUT THE HELL UP!" Don't ever say that to me until your mom suddenly drops dead - then we'll talk. Have I mentioned that I've sliding into the "Anger" stage of grief? Big surprise, huh? I still spend a lot of my time in the denial phase - it's easier to handle. The "let's pretend Mom's on vacation" stage. Some days I feel like I hate everyone in the whole world who still has two living parents. I'm full of angst - perhaps I'll start listening to Avril Lavigne. Feh.
Well, Meme is curled up in a fuzzy little cat ball on the spare bed. I think I will join her and try to ride out this sleeplessness.
Maybe when I wake up I will feel more like relating the happenings of the last few days rather than spouting more drivel. Don't like my drivel? Too bad, suck it up...or hug it out, bitch - whichever's easier. Ha!
Peace!
2 comments:
Even someone who has a lost a parent, especially their Mom, will never feel exactly the grief that you feel. Each parent/child relationship is different and our grief varies depending upon the nature of that relationship. What I can tell you is that the first year will be full of "firsts". Each of these will be an emotional hurdle to overcome but each one will make you stronger and more able to cope with the pain of your loss. Linda was a remarkable woman who instilled a zest for life and unique personalities in her children. Nothing can or will ever replace her in your heart. Focus on the way she lived and not the way she left us. You are a strong woman Cindi and with the Lord's help you will overcome this devistation that your loss has wrought. And remember, there are many who love you and each of them shall help you take the next step and the next. Hang in there kiddo .......
For what it's worth, here's my 2 cents...if you feel anger, (and you have every right to) be angry and don't try to cover it up with something else or pretend it's not there...that buried anger will pop out in some weird way later on, and will have to be dealt with then...if that means loudly explaining to someone who has lost their aunt that they do not necessarily know 'exactly how you feel', then so be it, they had it coming and next time in a similar situation, they may think before they speak....you will have done them a favor....and yourself, too
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