I've often said that Tom Petty could write the soundtrack of my life. I was reading Amy's blog tonight when I read this post. The post is about someone Amy knows who recently lost a sibling - a road that I, myself, have also traveled. Thinking about, and feeling empathy for, this unknown woman who lost her sister has had me remembering my own loss and realizing how far I've come since Matt died five years ago.
Yeah - five years. I can't believe it's been five years. He'd be 28 right now. People say that time heals all wounds, but I've said before that I don't believe that's completely true. I believe that some wounds never completely heal and that the most you can hope is that it's "clean" and that it doesn't hurt all the time.
I'm not the same person I was five and a half years ago. Losing Matt and then my mom has redefined who I am as a person and what I hold to be the most important things in life. It has reshaped my sense of my own mortality and the mortality of the people that I love. At 26 I learned the truth about death. I'm dying. So are you. Maybe not today - or tomorrow - but someday. Life's not a guarantee. Oh, people had told me over and over that life was not something to be taken for granted - but I was young and I didn't take them seriously. At 26 I found out that sometimes the people you love get very sick and your love is not enough to keep them alive. You can love them with your whole soul and it won't keep their heart beating. You just have to know that it is a part of a bigger plan and that what is meant to be, will be. And you have to have faith that you will survive and eventually all of the scattered pieces of your life will get put back together...sort of like a puzzle that's missing one piece. You know there's something missing, but the picture's still pretty.
I guess what I'm saying is that I've arrived at this point. This Tom Petty song (Square One) is sort of my anthem. "Square One, my slate is clear/Rest your head on me, my dear/It took a world of trouble/took a world of tears/It took a long time/to get back here." I can finally look back and celebrate the 22 years that I had with Matty on this Earth. I'm thankful.
Yeah - five years. I can't believe it's been five years. He'd be 28 right now. People say that time heals all wounds, but I've said before that I don't believe that's completely true. I believe that some wounds never completely heal and that the most you can hope is that it's "clean" and that it doesn't hurt all the time.
I'm not the same person I was five and a half years ago. Losing Matt and then my mom has redefined who I am as a person and what I hold to be the most important things in life. It has reshaped my sense of my own mortality and the mortality of the people that I love. At 26 I learned the truth about death. I'm dying. So are you. Maybe not today - or tomorrow - but someday. Life's not a guarantee. Oh, people had told me over and over that life was not something to be taken for granted - but I was young and I didn't take them seriously. At 26 I found out that sometimes the people you love get very sick and your love is not enough to keep them alive. You can love them with your whole soul and it won't keep their heart beating. You just have to know that it is a part of a bigger plan and that what is meant to be, will be. And you have to have faith that you will survive and eventually all of the scattered pieces of your life will get put back together...sort of like a puzzle that's missing one piece. You know there's something missing, but the picture's still pretty.
I guess what I'm saying is that I've arrived at this point. This Tom Petty song (Square One) is sort of my anthem. "Square One, my slate is clear/Rest your head on me, my dear/It took a world of trouble/took a world of tears/It took a long time/to get back here." I can finally look back and celebrate the 22 years that I had with Matty on this Earth. I'm thankful.
4 comments:
I commented on your post earlier tonight but cant believe I missed this one.
SHe made me think as well, even though I have not walked that path
amen.
Wow, Cindi....all I can say is..wow...wise beyond your years because of the overwhelming losses you've had to suffer, and you are coming out of the tunnel into the light saying things all of us need to hear...like: 'I am dying, and so is everyone else'....wow...
Love your guts and always will...
Loss, its a little word, but has a lot of meaning packed in it. Whether its from death, divorce, distance or even time, loss makes you stronger, wiser and hopefully smarter. And you are all of those! I'm sure you don't realize that you are an inspiration to many. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, which you put into words so well...you are amazing, Cin-dusha!
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