I'm grieving...it's a process

Well here we are again in the middle of the night - seeking sleep but not finding it. I did manage to get a bit of sleep last night...mostly because I took a hefty dose of Xanax. I try to stay at about .25 - .50 mg but it has only been helping me sleep about 4 hours a night and I'm always afraid to take more at 4 in the morning because I don't really want to sleep all day. Last night I doubled the dose and took a whole mg. I slept almost all night. I'm still exhausted and I look like hell with dark circles and the whole bit. I guess considering that before last night I slept a maximum of 4 hours, I feel pretty good.

I've said this before, but it bears repeating. When I was about three years old, I was in Spurgeon's department store with my mother and we got separated. Being three, I was sure that I was never going to see my mother again and I was in a state of panic until a nice lady took me to the customer service desk where they paged overhead for "Lucinda's mother to please come to the service desk." That is the same feeling I've had for the past four days. This panicky, little kid-like fear never leaves me. This time, though, there is no service desk to page her.

There is a line that has been running through my head all day. It is from the Edna St. Vincent Millay poem that I posted on the blog a couple of months ago to commemorate the anniversary of Matt's death. "More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world."

Tonight we taught my dad how to play Mike's Grandpa's dicey game.

Today Chaplain Randy from the hospital where my mom works stopped out to see us. He's so wonderful - I've always really liked him but saying nice things about my mom always earns extra brownie points. He brought us this really pretty wooden keepsake box and a book with poetry, pictures and advice on how to work your way through the grieving process. In the book was this poem by Robert Browning which I really like:

I walked a mile with Pleasure;

She chattered all the way.

But left me none the wiser

For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow

And ne'er a word said she;

But, oh the things I learned from her

When Sorrow walked with me.

The cards started coming in today. We got some from friends, one from her doctor's office and one from her former insurance agent. That's the beauty of small, closely-knit communities, I guess. Everybody remembers you.

We met with the lady who will be conducting Mom's memorial service. She wanted to speak with us and "get to know" Mom a little bit. She asked me why she was a good Mom. What made her a good Mom? I couldn't answer. How do you sum up something so large into a few words? She was my everything. She loved me more than anyone in this world will EVER love me. She gave me life and until last Friday I had never known a world without her. I told the reverend that I will think about it and try to put it into words. I started to write down things I remember about my mom into a small notebook that I'm carrying around with me. I was doing alright and then writing "I always had to save the pecans in the mixed nut container for her. She told me that her mom always got the pecans when she was growing up, she will get all the pecans while I am growing up and then when I have kids I can make them give me the pecans" made me cry.

I went and visited my brother's memorial marker today. I was feeling low and very alone. I can't say I miraculously felt better or anything but I did manage to remind myself that Matt was there to meet her when she died and he's probably got the best spots scoped out for her already.

My mom had a saying taped to the front of her locker at work and I've decided to adopt it as my personal mantra. Whenever I get down and feel sorry for myself, I'll say, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Yesterday I went down to the hospital where my mom works to clean out her locker and talk with everybody. I saw tons of people and it took me all day to get done and out of the building. When I expressed how much I'll miss seeing my mom to her friend and co-worker, Sandy (who has worked with her forEVER), she touched my face and said, "Whenever you miss your mom's face, look in the mirror and there it is."

Tomorrow Mike and I are going to have lunch with my mom's long-time best friend, a woman she always referred to as "Marvelous Martha" Schumacher. I'm rather looking forward to it.

I know this is sort of a spastic post - all over the place...but that's how my thought processes are working right now. Wanna fight about it? Didn't think so.

I'm going to try and sleep now - wish me luck.

Arrangements...

As most of you probably know but some of you may not, my mother died unexpectedly on Friday, August 25th. I wanted to let everyone know about the funeral arrangements that we've made. I also want to take this opportunity to send my heartfelt thanks to everyone for their thoughts, calls and prayers.

As per my mother's wishes, she has been cremated. Her ashes will be combined with my baby brother's. When my father passes, his ashes will be added and we will scatter them so that they may remain together forever.

There will be a visitation to honor my mother's memory on Friday, September 1, 2006. The funeral home will be open from 9AM until 8PM and the family will be receiving visitors from 6PM until 8PM. There will be additional visitation time from 10AM until 11AM on Saturday, September 2, 2006. There will be a memorial service on Saturday, Sept. 2 at 11AM. Following the service, there will be an on-site luncheon. A memorial has been established in her name.

The visitation and memorial service will be held at:

Elliott Chapel
One Redbud Lane
New London, Iowa 52645
319-367-5211

If you want an address and/or phone number for myself, my father or my brother, Jeff, you may respond in the comments, give me an email or call my cell phone if you have the number.

Insomnia

I'm sitting here at my mother's computer and it's 3:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. I feel like I'll never sleep again. I keep looking over at the couch because ordinarily, if I was sitting here on the computer in the middle of the night, she'd be asleep on the couch by the window with a couple of her dogs.

I do pretty good for awhile and then I fall apart for a little bit. I've cried so much that at one point, I couldn't produce tears anymore. I sat there with my face scrunched up, making crying noises but producing no waterworks.

Poor Mike has had the worst of it. He's been very solid and stoic thusfar and I know he feels so bad for me. He was with me when I found out she had died. He followed me around when I decided that I couldn't be in the house anymore and he was the one who held me while I literally screamed at him, "No! I can't go through this again! This isn't happening! I want my mom! Make it stop! I WANT MY MOM!"

The worst bit tonight was when I was looking through some pictures that my mom has tucked away in one of her desk drawers. There are so many cute pictures of us as kids, my cousins, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. It was fun. I was laughing at this picture of my mom holding my baby brother...and he really was a baby at this point, maybe a year old. In the picture she's grinning, bent over partway with Matty in her arms while he giggles and grabs ahold of her father (my grandpa Parker's) hair. My grandpa has this really funny look on his face. It's a great picture. Then, even as I laughed at it, I suddenly had this bone-chilling thought. "Everyone in this picture is dead." My laughter died and I was suddenly bawling like a two year old again.

I thought to myself today, "Y'know, people go through this every day." I mean, I'm certainly not the only person in the world to lose a parent. Not even the only one to lose one on Friday. People deal with this every day but, Oh dear God, I don't know how they survive. I mean, I know I will. As my mother always says, "Remember, 'This too, shall pass.'" And so it will.

But who's going to help me solve all my problems? Who's going to buy useless little trinkets and give them to me when I visit? Who's going to buy me Angel Cheeks figurines and Willow Tree Angels that I've run out of room for? Who's going to listen to me complain, give me advice and always say, "You know, Lucinda, these things have a way of working themselves out."? Who?

I'm so lost.

An update

Mike and I have arrived at my parents' house. We're scheduled to meet with the funeral director tomorrow to make arrangements. I'll keep you updated as well as I can.

Thanks to everyone who is sending well wishes and prayers our way. I'm not ashamed to tell you that we need them right now. We're holding it together as best as we can here but everywhere around are things to remind us what we have lost.

Originally we had thought that Mom was at home when she started having trouble and drove herself to the hospital. She drove to the hospital, parked her car, locked it and went into the emergency room. Once in the lobby, she lost consciousness and collapsed. The staff were unable to revive her. She never regained consciousness and died shortly thereafter. The staff tried to call my dad, who was at work, and were unable to reach him. They then called my mom's brother, my uncle Mike. He drove into Mt. Pleasant and had them get my dad. Uncle Mike told him that my mom was gone.

It turned out that she never made it home after work. My mom worked her shift at the hospital and started to come home. When she started having trouble, she turned back around and drove back to the hospital. This answered any lingering questions about why she'd driven herself to the hospital instead of calling an ambulance. We figured this out when my dad and my uncle drove down to the hospital to pick up her car. She always had something to eat waiting for my dad when he got home from work. When my dad got into her car to drive it home, there was a styrofoam container on the passenger seat. He opened it and found food that she was bringing home for him. If she'd made it home, she'd have taken the food inside.

Funeral arrangements will be made through Elliot Chapel in New London, Iowa. We're thinking a weekend service so that her co-workers will have the option to attend but nothing is set yet. I'll post more when we solidify arrangements.

If you're a church goer, light a candle for my mom. We miss her.

Agony

I'm sorry to inform you that my mother, Linda Eileen Harris, died yesterday. I wish I had more to say right now, but I'm still reeling from the shock. I've only known that she's been gone for a couple of hours and I'm heartsick.

I do not know much at this point. Arrangements will be made and I'll try to keep everyone updated on what is going on. I only know that I feel like my world is ending. I hurt so much but I'm trying to hold it together because I know she is with my brother right now and that she's so happy to see him. I want to rejoice in that knowledge but all I can think is, "Oh, God...what will I ever do without her?"

Meet Harley

Harley stayed with us for two weeks. She made Furio and Meme absolutely crazy. More Meme than Furio, actually. She's not a cat cat...if you know what I mean. Every time one of my cats would get within five feet of her, she would hiss and spit and raise a commotion. For the first few days, Meadow tried SO hard to be her friend. She pestered her to absolutely no end. Then one day, Harley was sitting on the bed with me and Meadow was in the doorway between the kitchen and bedroom just sort of daydreaming. Harley meowed to get Meme's attention and when Meme looked up at her, Harley crawled up into my lap and rolled over on her back...just totally hamming it up. From that moment, IT...WAS...ON. Meme went from, "Hey, another cat! Please be my friend." to "I hate that bitch and she hate me." Poor Furio had no idea what was going on. He didn't want to be anybody's friend and he didn't pester anybody but every time he went to the water dish, there was drama. Now he is way bigger than Meme and quite a bit bigger than Harley but he's the biggest chicken I've ever seen. He'd back down every time Harley even looked at him mean. Whenever you'd hear the hissing and growling and spitting that indicated Meme and Harley had inadvertently crossed each others' paths, he'd have to see what was going on...but you'd only see his eyeballs or the tips of his ears as he peeked out from behind something. No way was he getting inbetween those two. Ahh...good times.

Anyway, Harley stayed at our house while we were out searching for her owners. My friend, Leigh, had found her outside of her house and asked if we could watch her for a couple of days. We put up posters all over the neighborhood and put up ads on the internet. I called every no-kill shelter in the Chicagoland area but no one would take her. The Treehouse Animal Foundation called back and asked a bunch of questions stating that they might have room for her and that someone would call me back. Yeah...right. VERY
UNPROFESSIONAL. I'm still mad about that. At the time we thought she might be in pain because it looked like she might have a hip injury. As we had her longer, we realized it was an old injury that hadn't healed quite right. But, anyway, I'm still really mad that they didn't have the courtesy to call me back and tell me that they didn't have room for her. At least the other places told me that they didn't have room for her and suggested other places to try. Yeesh.

Anyways, moving on...after two weeks we were afraid that she'd just been abandoned. We were sure she wasn't a "professional" street cat. She was completely de-clawed, was super friendly with people and would only eat canned cat food. She'd obviously been well taken care of. Leigh began making plans to take Cat (as I called her at that time...original, I know. What do you want? She answered to it and she really liked it when I sang that "Cat Ballou" song to her.) into her apartment and introduce her to her multitude of cats. Then at nearly midnight on a Saturday night, we got a message on our answering machine. Someone said she thought she knew Cat. It turns out that Cat aka Harley's parents had been in Thailand! They'd gotten home on that Saturday and had asked their friend Amanda if she had seen Harley, who had apparently gotten out when their pet sitter was there to feed them. Amanda had seen our signs but hadn't realized Harley was missing. The next day, Ravital and Pete (Harley's parents) called us and came over to pick her up. One big happy ending. Cue the sappy music.

A funny sidenote...the entire time Harley was staying with us, Mike complained about having an extra cat in the house. Extra food to buy, extra litterbox to change - cat animosity....cat girls gone wild? Whaaaaat? When I would mention doing something, like putting adoption feelers out in Iowa and/or Michigan, Mike would kinda pout and say things like, "I just don't feel like this should be our responsibility." Meaning transporting said cat out of state and calling all these shelters etc. Nevermind that this cat friggin' loved him. She was all about Mike and he would lay in bed with her talking baby talk. (But then the next morning, he'd be like, "Did you call Leigh? When is she going to come and get her?") He's such an enigma. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnyway, Ravital and Pete came to pick her up and they gushed and made a big deal about thanking us for taking care of her. They brought us chocolates from Thailand and offered us free massages (they're both massage therapists...can you say 'jackpot'?) They kept thanking us and Mike said, "Oh, no problem. We loved having her."

What...the...?

I wanted to turn around and be like, "You lying bitch!" But I just smiled and went along.

Anyways, today is August 16th and as such, I must (it is required by law) wish Happy Birthday!!! to both my big brother, Jeffrey and my mother-in-law, Sandy (Mike's mom in case you're confused.) Holla back, yo!

P.S. Next time you see him, ask Mike how old his mom is. He has no friggin' clue. Actually he might now, because I told him. How sad is THAT! Geez.

How old are they you ask? Well, I'm not telling. But I'll give you some hints - you see if you can figure it out.

Memorable Events from the year Mike's mom was born:
Ronald Reagan married Nancy Davis. Sun Records in Memphis began releasing records. Hemingway published, "The Old Man and the Sea." The Detroit RedWings swept the Montreal Canadians to win the Stanley Cup. The Polish Constitution was adopted. Other notable births in this year: Christopher Reeve, Mr. Potato Head, Dan Akroyd, Jimmy Connors, Patrick Swayze and PeeWee Herman.

Memorable Events from the year my brother was born:
The Beatles movie, "Let It Be" premiers in the US. "Four dead in Ohio" as the National Guard kills four people at Kent State. Peter Queen quit Fleetwood Mac to join a religious cult. The voting age is lowered to 18. Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix both die from drug overdoses within a couple of weeks of each other - both are only 27. John Wayne wins an Oscar. Earth Day is celebrated for the first time. Other notable births in this year: Andre Agassi, Uma Thurman, Secreteriat (the horse that won the Triple Crown), Malcolm Jamal Warner, River Phoenix and Kelly Ripa.

Figure them out yet?